Morgan, M.Y.
I am Morgan, M.Y. (pen name). I am a recovering adult child of two alcoholics.
I was born into a poor working-class Irish family of mixed Catholic and Protestant decent. I was conceived out of wedlock, in Ireland in the 1960s, when the Catholic church dominated Irish society and was condemning and shaming of extra-marital sex and ‘illegitimate’ children.
My mother was Catholic and underage. My mother’s parents would not give their consent to her marriage, so my parents eloped to England and got married and birthed me there.
My mother suffered intense grief, outrage and confusion as a result of her family’s abandonment of her while she was pregnant, and I have come to understand that this adversely affected my development in the womb. I was a restless and energetic infant and my mother struggled to cope with me.
When I was six months old, my parents returned to Ireland and stayed with my paternal grandparents for a couple of years. Four other siblings were birthed in quick succession after me and my parents moved into their own house in a new housing estate in Dublin.
There was a dramatic change in my life when I was six years old and my rebel father got himself into trouble with the Union, was blacklisted, and could not secure work in Ireland. This is when my father took us to southern Africa where he was employed as an expatriate artisanal contract worker. After a failed attempt to return to Ireland after 6 years in Africa, my family returned to southern Africa again and I was sent off to boarding school in South Africa. This is when my parents became deeply depressed and began drinking heavily.
Survival
I became extremely ashamed of my parents’ alcohol addictions and got as far away from them as I could when I finished school. I vowed I would succeed where they had failed, and in many ways, I did. I went to university, graduated with various degrees, got married and had my own children, and provided them with a stable and comfortable home for two decades. However, there were many unconscious ways of thinking and behaving I learnt in childhood that I carried into my adult life. These learned survival strategies left me isolated, insecure, and cut off from my own feelings and other people.
When my marriage, career, and sense of self collapsed under the weight of unresolved trauma during a mid-life crisis, I started to reach out for help and healing. This was when I started journaling and writing prose poetry, practicing mindfulness meditation, and learning about non-violent communication, trauma and neuroscience. I also went into therapy and joined the Adult Children of Alcoholics (and Dysfunctional Families) (ACA) 12-Step fellowship.
My recovery work eventually enabled me to break my trauma bond with Africa and return to Ireland in 2022. This was when I started compiling my Recovery Memoir which was recently published in September 2026. This memoir, called “Cry with me Mother”, is a raw, poetic story of hitting bottom, finding recovery, healing from childhood neglect and family dysfunction and finally learning to re-parent myself with love.
When I started the ACA 12 Steps, I was taken back to review my childhood. The isolation and lack of emotional support I experienced in childhood turned my problems into traumas. I have come to understand that it is being left alone and unsupported with life’s challenges that creates the trauma. Below are two prose poems from the book about my insomnia and rocking trauma which started in the first six months of my life.
The title of the first prose poem is a question asked by Paul Gilbert in his 2010 book ‘The Compassionate Mind’.
What is the most compassionate thing anyone has ever done for you?
A long-buried memory returned.
My eight-year-old self,
banging her head against the wall
as she rocked in bed.
Desperately wanting to sleep but not able to.
Father opened the door and came in.
I stopped and waited for the rebuke.
He left the light off and walked towards me.
Sat beside me and quietly reached out,
and gently stroked my forehead.
I can still feel the huge relief
that washed over my body.
I was asleep within two minutes.
My memory suggests that that was a once off experience. I have access to no other similar memories.
We never talked about my rocking problem in our family. My Morning Pages gave me my first opportunity to express and process my grief and anger around this childhood trauma. The prose poem below arose out of that. This is where the title of the book comes from.
Cry with me Mother
I must have felt your pain
when I was inside you,
when your family rejected you,
abandoned you, because of me.
I felt it again after you birthed me.
Over and over again.
Every time you put me down to sleep.
The loss of your comforting warmth.
The aloneness, separateness, anxiety.
I cried out my distress, but you did not come.
Eventually I figured out how to comfort myself.
I rocked, and rocked, and rocked, and rocked.
Every night, moving the cot across the room.
Sometimes banging my head
against the bars and walls.
But you did not come, and I did not sleep.
Why did you ignore me?
Why did you not help me?
Going to bed became a daily trauma.
I was never ready for bed.
Always anxious and uptight.
Could not relax and sleep.
Rocking for hours.
The movement preventing sleep.
I said nothing. Did not complain.
Went to bed compliantly. Suffered alone.
Tried to be a good girl, for you.
I remember being ridiculed for my rocking.
Taunted. “Nobody will want to marry you.
How would they sleep?”
I became ashamed.
Fearful that others would find out.
The first time I remember
falling asleep easily,
I was a student
working as a waitress,
too tired to rock.
Things gradually improved after that.
I eventually learned how to relax and sleep.
But I still wake in the night rocking,
whenever my life and my dreams make me anxious.
An enduring legacy.
I know you cannot undo the past.
I know you have regrets.
I know you were young.
Did not know what to do.
Sought advice and got none.
Tried and gave up.
I know you did not know.
Just cry with me, Mother.
I would strongly recommend that if you are suffering from the adverse effects of growing up in a dysfunctional or addiction affected family, you reach out for help. I would highly recommend the Adult Children of Alcoholics (and Dysfunctional Families) 12 Step Fellowship (Acronym is ACA). I am deeply grateful I found recovery in this followship. There are many thousands of ACA online and in-person meetings around the world, including in Ireland. You can find meetings at the following site: https://adultchildren.org/meeting-search/
I am recommending these meetings because I know from experience, and from the learnings of neuroscience, that we cannot recover alone and we cannot recover by reading self-help literature. We need the support and empathy of trusted fellow travellers to recover and rewire our minds and body. Recovery is not easy but comes from the ongoing regular practice of awareness, self-observation and reflection, sharing, listening and developing self-love. The recovery rooms and groups will give you that. We are creatures of habit. We can develop new healthier loving habits and re-wire our minds, but that requires consistent and disciplined practice and support.
I hope you can give yourself that precious gift. If you find yourself feeling averse to the idea of group meetings and practice, then I recommend you read my Recovery Memoir. My story may help you overcome those feelings and give you the hope, courage and inspiration you need to take yourself to the rooms and start practicing.
In my book I share my experience, strength and hope. I illustrate, through my own experience, how children get affected by growing up in an addition affected or dysfunctional family. I also show what the recovery process involves. I hope that this will provide a road map to recovery for people who have been adversely affected by growing up in dysfunctional and addiction affected families.
Wishing you all serenity, love and hope.
Sincerely,
Morgan, MY
Email: my.morgan63@gmail.com
Where you can get my Recovery Memoir:
The paperback book is available for sale in Ireland via Amazon.ie. Kindle versions are also available. See purchase links below.
Paperback for Irish residents.
Paperback for UK residents.
Kindle
The book is also available for sale online in the USA and globally.
Below is a picture of my 293 page Recovery Memoir. It consists mostly of 90 carefully sequenced prose poems (or short stories) and 6 letters, along with a narative that provides some context and structure. The prose poems and letters were written over the last 12 years while I have been recovering in the ACA 12 Step fellowship.
There are also three appendices. Appendix 1 is a copy of the ACA’s list of the 14 common traits (characteristics) of Adult Children of Alcoholics (and Dysfunctional Families) and their “acting out” behaviours. Appendix 2 is my personal commentary on my recovery journey, and Appendix 3 discussed briefly some of the incredibly valuable recovery tools and learnings that continue to help me on my recovery journey.